someone give me resume-writing advice for a waitressing job
i wish there was some way i can know whether i’m being good for him or not. too often i get insecure and i can’t tell whether it stems from paranoia or truth. he’s too much of a wonderful boy, and i’m too much of a lover to let anything hurt him. sometimes, i can feel the overwhelming emotion and happiness bubble and rise in me until it spews over into gibberish non-sensical sentences that fall ungracefully out my mouth when i try to explain all the things i love about him, and i hate it so much because i fear my inability to articulate my affection for him might seem to him as the absence of said affection. but i do love him and every little thing about him that makes him him, as a person and as boyfriend. like when he smiles, when things delight him—especially when science delights him, when he seems like nothing can get him down. and my persistent fear of being just that—the thing that gets him down—is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i’m just so scared that i’m not god enough for him, like i am with so many others before. i’m so scared i might be holding him down when i should be lifting him up. i constantly convince myself he doesn’t want me; that if i was noble and righteous, i wouldn’t infect him with my presence in his life; that if i really wanted is good for him, i should have gotten rid of myself a long time ago; when i know that it isn’t always true. and i hate thinking these things but i can’t help it. not with everything that’s been said and done. all i know is i love him more than i can fathom anything in this world. and whether or not i need him or simply want him, it doesn’t matter because i refuse to live this life without him. i’ve always made myself out to be so independent before, but now that i’ve been gifted with his existence touching mine, i never want that to go away. i never want to have to exist without him. he’s showed me so much to love, so much i didn’t know could be in a person, so much to live for. no matter what happens, he’ll always be the person that changes me most—and i’ll always be grateful to him for that. i just wish i could do as much for him as he did for me.
and i love him. i love him so much. from his messy hair in the morning to the mischief in his smile, i love him. i love the way we feel when there is no space between us, the way his chest rise and falls under my weight, the way he wraps my hand in his and plays with my fingers, everything about the way our bodies exist next to each other. but most of all i love his spirit, his soul and intellect. i love that he is different in all the right ways. i love that he has the world all figured out, as much as it can be, anyway. i love that he know what he wants—even if it’s not me—because he knows himself profoundly, better than the average person. i love that there isn’t a single thing he does that i can’t stand. in my eyes, he can do no wrong. and i don’t know how to fall out of love with someone like him. i don’t know how to lose the closest thing i have to a heart. but just like my heart, he’s so full of self-hatred and self-destructive tendencies and it kills me that he doesn’t care for himself as much as i do for him. i know one of these times, he’ll leave me for good. and i’m so terrified that the next girl he loves may not love him so deeply as i do. i’m so terrified she may not realize that there’s just so. much. about him to love. he’s so lovely in ways that he himself doesn’t even realize. and i’m terrified that after all this, i—much less her—may not be able make him love himself. and that’s the kind of tragedy that will kill.
the day’s about to end and i’ve gone through all 24 hours of it without the sight of your sea green eyes. if this isn’t pain, than i don’t know what is.